Dealing with conflicts makes most of us cringe. Anticipating bringing up a sensitive subject with a coworker or boss or friend can fill us with dread. No one enjoys the “icky” feelings a tough conversation can trigger.

It is natural to avoid awkward situations that shine a spotlight on us at our most inept. People fear they will make the situation worse by losing their cool and saying something they regret. Under stress, we tend to react and default to the communication patterns of our family of origin. 

Normalizing the inevitability of conflicts is the first step. Logically we can agree there is no way around conflicts emerging in our relationships – especially at work. Think about it. What makes for successful collaborations whether that is two people or twenty?

Successful collaborations require people that care, and who are invested and interdependent in achieving a common purpose. You need partners with different and complementary strengths. You need people who need to work together to achieve shared goals. 

Why is there conflict? Conflicts occur between that care and who are joined together to produce an outcome. Conflict happens because we work with, live and love people who are different from us. We have different histories, values, strengths, communication preferences, work styles and lifestyles.

Even if we are similar, we can get lazy. Active listening requires effort, and it is easy to make assumptions that if left unchecked, can lead to misunderstandings.

At work, typically, you do not have the option of avoiding someone with whom you are experiencing difficulties. Not if you are dependent on that person to achieve shared goals. If quitting your job or your friendship over it is not an option, it becomes time to buckle up for that tough conversation.

The next step is assessing and addressing gaps in our conflict handling and conversational skills. Most of us can readily admit to skill gaps in this area. Interpersonal and collaborative skills are not typically a big part of the school curriculum. Training in interpersonal skill usually only starts when you arrive in the workplace.

As a conflict coach, I have witnessed countless times how better conversation preparation is the best way to increase the chances of success.

Here are some pointers to help you to prepare for a challenging conversation

1. Spend some private time to identify the difficulty and acknowledge different points of view.

• How do you see the situation?
• What assumptions are you making? What stories are you telling yourself?
• What do you think you are contributing?
• How might the other person perceive the same situation?
• What emotions is this problem stirring up for you?
• What is the impact of this situation on you, and what assumption are you making about the other person’s intention?

2. Be sure this is a conversation that is worth having.

• What is your purpose in addressing this issue/having this conversation?
• How the discussion is related to the shared results you are interdependent with each other to achieve?
• What will likely happen if you ignore this problem? How will you feel? What kind of impact will there be on your work?
• How is this problem affecting the productivity and morale of your unit?
• What specifically do you want to change because of this conversation?

3. Invite the other person to talk with you.

• Emphasize your interest in working well together and hearing their point of view.
•  A couple of sentences you might consider using are: “I would like to understand where you are coming from on …” or “Can you say a little more about how you see things about …?”

4. Start the conversation by “seeking first to understand.”

• Ask the other person an open-ended question that will get him/her to describe how she sees the situation.
• Do your very best listening. Listen with empathy.
• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and point of view. Paraphrase to see if you got it right.

5. Share your point of view, your intentions, and your feelings. Use “I” statements.

• Describe how you believe you got to where you are, including how you contributed to the problem. Take responsibility for your part.

6. Talk about the future and what you can do differently, so you don’t end up in the same place.

• Offer what you plan to do differently.
• Ask the person what suggestions they have to resolve the situation. Suggest what you think the other person could do.

7. Thank the other person for talking with you. Offer why it was essential to resolve this conflict.

And celebrate your bravery! Brene Brown has a saying t – “When you speak up you choose temporary discomfort over forming a resentment.”

Do you need some support to prepare for a conversation you are dreading in your personal or professional life? I am a trained mediator and conflict coach, and I welcome hearing from you if you need some help.

What are the critical behavioural traits of successful women?  This question comes up a lot in my personal and coaching conversations with other women.  My “go to” resource for insight into the career and life dilemmas of women is Kathy Caprino.

Kathy Caprino is an international speaker and writer, dedicated to the advancement of women. Many of you also follow Kathy on Linked In and read her blogs published in  Forbes and follow her BraveUp podcast series.  https://findingbrave.org/brave-up-podcast/

Kathy Caprino is my coach and mentor and I am certified to use her proprietary Amazing Career methodology in my coaching practice.  Kathy recently introduced our small but mighty group of certified coaches to her close to 1 million followers on Linked In.  https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6545013850562002945/ 

Check out my profile on Kathy Caprino’s web site  – /https://kathycaprino.com/amazing-career-certified-coaches/

As a result of my work with Kathy Caprino, I’ve gained access to a rich research base and many practical tools designed to address the unique career needs and challenges of professional women.

Kathy’s research with hundreds of thought leaders reveals 13 key characteristics essential for career success and satisfaction for women. The highlights of the key findings are below.

As you read the list, ask yourself – what rings true?

Positive Thinking – You see the challenges ahead of you (you are not in denial) but believe you have what it takes to create career and life success – on your terms.
Achievable Goals – You can create goals that challenge and stretch you but are manageable and achievable.
Access to Power – You are aware of both your internal and external sources of power and tap into these sources when you need it.
Commitment – You know wanting something to happen and dreaming about it is not the same thing. You are committed to showing up for the daily grind of making your goals a reality.
Courage – Achieving career success and satisfaction on your terms requires bold and courageous action. You dare to face your fears, speak up and stand up for what you believe in and let go of the people and situations that are holding you back.
Communication Skills – You have learned how to effectively listen, communicate and connect with others and ask for what you need. You most often feel heard, supported and validated in the relationships that matter to you most.
Strong Relationships –  You have strong, healthy and supportive relationships and know how to collaborate with people you are interdependent with to succeed. You nurture the diverse relationships that make up your network of peers, mentors and champions.
Openness to Learning – You stay open to seeing, learning and hearing new relevant information and lessons that help you keep finding out what you don’t know.
Well-Developed Boundaries – You have developed healthy boundaries that enable you to make choices and decisions that reflect what is in your best interest. You can say, “no.”
Self-Confidence – You know feeling fear and insecurity can be signs you are in the middle of a growth spurt.  Your confidence comes from consistently taking action and doing “the next right thing” despite feeling vulnerable.
Vision – You have a compelling vision of the future that reflects your criteria for success.
Humility – You can acknowledge your strengths, celebrate other people’s victories and accept there is always more for you to learn.
Perseverance – You have faced obstacles, failures and critics, fallen and gotten back up again. You know how to reinvent yourself, regroup, refresh, course correct when necessary and keep moving toward your goals.

So what are the three Success Traits from the list above, you need developing in your life and career? What kind of support might you need to address these gaps?

 

Feasting season is coming to a close.  At the end of December, our collective focus makes a dramatic shift to self-improvement. Throughout January we are bombarded with messages about ways we could improve and should discipline ourselves. By mid-month many of us are demoralized and hoping no one remembers our bold new year promises.

If we want to make some changes where’s a better place to start? How about first taking an inventory of your achievements? Taking stock of successes is an essential counterbalance to concentrating on what’s missing. Pause and say thank you for what you already have, and celebrate what you want to see more of in your work and life.

And don’t just consider your superficial successes. Think about areas where you made progress by taking smaller steps toward a larger goal, the lessons you learned when things didn’t turn out the way you planned. How you managed to show up and be gracious while getting through difficult times.

Why is this so important? Because if we take an inventory of triumphs and take stock of our assets, we are more likely to make the change. The truth is most of us need more encouragement than criticism to make meaningful changes.

Most of us need success reminders – especially when we are facing a new challenge. It’s easy to lose perspective as we experience the inevitable ups and downs of making change real. To follow through with our resolutions, we must find ways to stay motivated and hold the course until the benefits of our new choices show up.

Our success inventory is evidence of our capacity to change, and of our strengths. Reviewing and acknowledging our evolution offers proof that we are growing and learning. It can inspire us to have some faith in ourselves and keep going. It can also take away our excuses for staying stuck.

The crossover into a new year is a natural place to pause and celebrate the gains we’ve made. Recognizing where we are already successful can build our confidence to claim bigger dreams.

Think about all areas of your life – not just your professional life. Acknowledge how you are evolving. Appreciate the community of friends and family supporting you, and the people that can make you laugh – even on the worst of days.

Take some time to reflect on the questions below. Celebrate what you already have in the service of getting more of what you want in your work and life in 2019.

•    Thinking about last year, what makes you most proud?

•    What were your most significant personal and professional challenges and successes in 2018?

•    What more “modest” but meaningful things are you proud of accomplishing last year?

•    What have you accomplished in 2018 that has surprised you?

•    Where did you not achieve what you set out to accomplish? What progress have you made towards larger aims?

•    Where did you miss the mark or make a mistake that requires acknowledging? What did you learn from life not going your way? What makes you proud about how you handled it?

•    Entering a new year, what do you need to stop blaming yourself for and accept? What will letting go create more space for you to experience and achieve in 2019?

•    Whom do you need to thank for their contribution to your successes and well- being in the past year?

•    As we move into a new year, what can you not deny you are good at and is your unique gift to share?

•    What three words do you want to define 2019?

Happy New Year!

What keeps you from thriving at work and living the life you love?

When I start a career coaching conversation, I ask, “How would you rate your overall satisfaction with your work and life on a scale of one to 10?”

After asking that opening question to over 2500 people, I’ve noticed consistent themes between the rating and what people experience.

When people rate their satisfaction at 5/10 or less, they are at a crisis point with their work. Typically they report feeling significant stress and dissatisfaction. People aren’t able to compartmentalize and leave their worries at the office at the end of their day. Work is following them home, waking them up at 4:00 AM, and changing how they feel about themselves.

At this low level of satisfaction, there is a profound mismatch in style, values or fit with the work, organization, team or your boss. This is a crisis situation that requires immediate attention and usually a job change.

 As I say to my clients, “Don’t waste time rearranging the furniture when the house is on fire.”

A job change may be the short-term response to the crisis; however, what about the longer term? What are some other ways to describe the essence of the struggle and make an even finer diagnosis?

What is at the heart of what we need to change to thrive and make bolder choices? How do we make sure we are solving the right problem?

Kathy Caprino is an internationally recognized author, speaker and coach who has a lot to say about women and power.  Kathy Caprino’s research has uncovered that most professional challenges are related in some core way to a lack of internal or external power.

Kathy Caprino refers to these challenges as “power gaps” and describes them in her wonderful new book, The Most Powerful You – 7 Bravery Boosting Paths to Career Bliss.

Here are the seven most damaging power gaps Kathy Caprino identified that get in the way of professionals thriving and leading at work:

Power Gap 1: Not Recognizing Your Special Talents, Abilities and Accomplishments

Power Gap 2: Communicating From Fear Not Strength

Power Gap 3: Reluctance to Ask for What You Deserve

Power Gap 4: Isolating From Influential Support

Power Gap 5:  Acquiescing Instead of Saying “STOP” to treatment

Power Gap 6: Losing Sight of Your Thrilling Dream

Power Gap 7:  Allowing Past Trauma To Define You

Kathy Caprino says these gaps in our power take from us what we need most to thrive: vitality, self-confidence, vision, commitment, connection, and influence.

If we don’t address the gap, Kathy Caprino says it becomes wider and creates more harm to our self-confidence and ability to act. In her book, The Most Powerful You, she describes each gap in detail then offers tips and strategies for closing each gap.

I’ll share more about what I’ve learned about closing power gaps and lessons from thousands of coaching conversations with professional women at all career and life stages in upcoming blogs.

What is keeping you from thriving in your work and life? I am a certified Amazing Career Coach, personally trained and mentored by Kathy Caprino in her five-phase proprietary career growth process for women. Contact me anytime for a complimentary consultation to talk about what is keeping you stuck.