The July long weekend usually marks our official border crossing into summer time. Most of us are looking forward to some time off work this summer. But the reality is gearing up to leave work takes effort, and the time away goes fast.  And for many, some of that vacation time is spent dreading coming back.

Vacation time is precious, and our desire to make it perfect can add even more stress. Moreover, for overworked, and stressed out multi-tasking women, spending time with family does not always deliver rest and relaxation.

Do you really want to rejuvenate this summer? Why not try lowering your expectations for a little while and give yourself a real break? Try pressing the pause button on your perfectionism – just until the fall.

Slow down and get a bit sloppy. Spend time embracing what you like about yourself, and your life. Say, “I am enough” out loud and as many times as you need to until it feels like you mean it.

Lower your expectations and give yourself some room to take a breath. Do it in the service of preserving your potential and ensuring you do not burn out.

I am prone to comparing myself to others, and I know I am not alone. Have you ever looked at someone else’s happy Facebook or Instagram post and found yourself feeling suddenly sad? Instantly the inner critic is ignited. You need to be more productive, skinnier, taller, smarter, richer and have a bigger house to be OK.

On low energy, painfully ordinary day seeing shiny, happy people, looking fabulous is demoralizing.

Moreover, it is rarely productive or accurate to compare your insides with other people’s outsides. What you are concluding about others lives often is not even real. I have cleaned up pretty well and looked good on some horrible and heartbreaking days.

A wise mentor once said to me, “When you find yourself comparing yourself to others know you aren’t in a spiritual place.” What a great perspective check.

What else is true is it is natural for our moods to fluctuate. Lately, so many people crossing my path are fatigued. A lot is going on in the world and in our lives that is out of our control.

Life is full of joys, sorrows, loss, and victories, and it keeps changing constantly. The high, lows, and lulls all take a toll on our energy and spirits.

Do something radical. Last week I cancelled some appointments to play with my Grandson. My day was unproductive by design. I watched my Grandson Rockwell slowly demolish a cookie and water our outdoor furniture for a couple of hours.

I said yes to everything Rockwell wanted and marvelled at what he sees in the world that I don’t normally notice. And why is his mother a girl? Good question Rockwell.

We capped off the morning racing down aisles at Safeway in a cart with a car while he squealed with delight. Once home alone, I wore my pyjamas for the rest of the day. I did not work on my book or even pretend to read a good one. I watched a TLC show called “Out daughtered,” and I don’t care if I ever see again.

That evening I had a Zoom conference call with my mentoring group. I changed out of my pyjama top but kept on my flannel bottoms. As my colleagues reported out success stories, I listened contentedly in my cozy mismatched outfit. That day, my job was only to rest in the knowledge; this was someone else’s time to shine.

Permit yourself a time out from “living your best life” and embrace your OK one.  Let yourself know it is OK not to be a winner every day. This summer, allow yourself to be a little lighter, a little less focussed and let your humanness show.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and realize I’ve said “Yes” once too often. How do I know? I start to get irritated and resentful. I begin to lose my sense of calm, and I feel agitated. And I know I’m not alone.
I’m in coaching conversations daily with people who struggle with saying “No.” When is it OK to say “No”?
Most of us can agree that it’s a must to say “No”:

-When you’re stressed or overwhelmed
-When you’re already doing too much
– When you’re tired or sick
– When it crosses a personal or professional boundary

If we don’t learn how to say “No,” we risk staying stressed and getting overwhelmed with too much to do and not enough time. And isn’t it usually our priorities (our health, ideas, our writing, our quality time with ourselves and others) that suffer?

Children go through a phase in their growth when their favourite word is “No.” That’s because “No” is a power word. It gives a definite sense of self. It allows us to separate ourselves from others. And this means saying “No” is an ideal opportunity to rediscover your understanding of who you are. It is a chance to turn boundaries you’ve created from a concept to reality.

Here’s a list of more  examples when it can be OK to say “No.”

-When it’s someone else’s problem
-When it’s something you don’t want to do
-When there’s something else you’d rather do
-When it takes away from your values  or priorities
-When you need some time to yourself

How many of you read that list and went immediately to the – “Yes, but…” place and thought of all the exceptions (and of course there are many)? The point is the above are radical statements when you are wired to put other people’s needs before your own.
But what happens when you say “Yes” when you’d rather say “No”? Resentment creeps in and sours the relationship. And as an old mentor of mine used to say: “If you aren’t getting mad, then how are you getting even?”
Isn’t it better to choose to say something temporarily uncomfortable over becoming resentful? And risk showing up in your life, tired, stressed and overwhelmed and blaming others for what you didn’t dare to say?
I was put to the test this last month. Someone I respect and admire offered me an opportunity to contribute to their upcoming book. Flattered, I enthusiastically said yes. However, I became uneasy as I fleshed out the article, and learned more about what they wanted me to produce.  Guess what? I withdrew as a contributor to their book for several good reasons. I felt nervous about communicating I changed my mind, but I did it anyway. Following through with a “no”  means making the other person’s approval a bonus – not a pre-condition for my right to say no. As it turned out, they thanked me for my candour and expressed gratitude for my honesty. I feel like this was a personal integrity test, and I passed. And the way the person responded to me told me everything I admired about them was true. And that they respect me too.
It is hardest to say no to people I like and respect, and I’m not a big fan of changing my mind. But how freeing when you can trust yourself to look after you.
So whether you learn to say “No” more often, or learn to say “Yes” on your terms, it will release yourself from the burden of continually chasing approval.
Give yourself more permission to do what matters most to you. And by doing this yourself, you are modelling the way for others to do the same.

Now, grab a pen and write down the first things that pop into your head in response to these questions:

In your work and personal life, what do you need to say “No” to?
What stops you from saying “No” to these things?
What are you losing in your career by saying “Yes” when you need to say “No”?
What are you losing in your life by saying “Yes” when you need to say “No”?

 

I recently met with a client whose struggles are not unique among the people that seek out my career coaching services. The person I am referring to, Patricia (not her real name), is a seasoned professional who has been working in a public sector job for just over six months.

Patricia accepted her role in the public sector after a long career in the private sector. She booked a career coaching appointment to confidentially discuss where she was now, and what could be ahead for her career-wise.

When Patricia met with me, she reported her overall career satisfaction to be about 6/10. This type of rating usually means someone is not in their dream job, but it is a role that meets many of their needs. Patricia’s satisfaction level was high enough with her current position that she could afford to take more time to consider her options.

In Patricia’s case, personal needs and circumstances drove her latest career move. She changed jobs and moved to a new city to be closer to her ageing parents.  She left a job she liked very much that paid more money to accept her new role.

This role was not as satisfying to Patricia, but accepting this job allowed her to move to be closer to her parents. Patricia does not regret the decision, but the reality is the role she accepted could be perceived as a step backward from a career perspective.

Patricia made a clear career tradeoff to meet life priorities. She reached out to make an appointment with me when the implications of that decision were starting to sink in.

Patricia appreciated the chance to re-tell her story and reaffirm the reasons why she intentionally made the tradeoff. Reconnecting with her value-based rationale for the move helped her make peace with where she landed.

She was ready to start looking at what else could be possible for her career-wise now she is settled. It was time to set new goals and develop a strategy. Like many people, ageing parents and other family circumstances weigh heavily in real life career choices.

Patricia’s career path, like most people’s, is affected by both work and life conditions. Career paths usually aren’t linear, and decision-making must take into account a combination of factors.

Through a narrow lens of an organizational chart, Patricia’s move resulted in a demotion. Through the multi-faceted lens of work and life factors, Patricia made a strategic career move in alignment with his real-life priorities.

Now that Patricia has successfully relocated, she is taking the same strategic approach to finding another position that will deliver her even more satisfaction at work.